With Tired Minds, and Tired Souls

Abraham Lincoln once said "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.  It's the life in your years. "

I am sitting at my desk right now, and thinking of the last 24 hours. What had started into such a great day took a horrible turn into an awful day.  I was given the news that one of my friends had passed away. As my husband told me this I could not think of anything to say or do. I sat there quietly and felt nothing. Not because I did not care about her, but because I was in such disbelief. She was younger than me, with two children, and a loving husband.  Everything started going through my mind, and then ultimately the feeling of invincibility just floated off of me.  The reality or mortality hit hard. Then all the what if's hit me. What if it had been me, what if it had been Phil, what if, what if, what if. I had to stop myself with it, because the ultimate reality of it all is that she is gone and it was not me, phil or anyone else I knew.

I began to remember being a child, and having no fears. That nothing could hurt you ...(except maybe the switch you were about recieve via pissed off parent). That life was endless, and we were invincible. Sometimes those feelings come back as adults and you become fearless for a short while. I had not had those feelings in a while, but I wish I could have them now. It is not the fear of my mortality that scares me, but leaving the ones I love behind.  To know that my son and husband would carry on with out me. To know my son would no longer have his mother....

When I went to bed last night all I wanted was to be back home. I just wanted to be off this deployment, and be held by my family. I wanted that comfort from them so much. Instead it was in my small bed, in the barracks that I slept. I do not think I have wanted to be home more now than ever. To just hug and kiss my little boy, and to hug and kiss my husband. To know that for now it was not our times to leave. I know it will come eventually but I really want to be there for both my boys. I want to grow old with my husband and see my son get married and have his own child. I pray that this will happen, but I know it may not be what is in my destiny. For now though....I want to enjoy my family as much as possible. All I want is to be home right now. I want to take every moment I can to be with the ones that I love.

I want everyday that I am still alive to count for something. I do not want to waste my days on regrets.  There are 352 days in a year...only 52 weeks. That is not long at all when you think big picture. So until I get off this deployment and back into the arms of the ones I love I will make them count.

My heart deeply goes out for her family and everything they are going through right now. She was a great person, and so funny. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Amanda Kennedy is was great to get know you, and you will be missed dearly.